Parenting Without Shame

Alex (a fictional patient) came to me seeking help with lying, saying that whenever he is “in trouble” – in his partnership or at work, he lies to escape accountability. He says he doesn’t understand why he does this as a pattern but wants to stop because he is no longer trusted at home and his credibility at work is waning. As we explore some of his early experiences, he shares that whenever he made a mistake, his parents met him with overwhelming punishment and was made to feel shame about who he was. “Is this where you learned to lie?” I ask. “I guess so,” replies Alex. “I didn’t have any way to make it right. I felt so awful, like I am bad. If I lied, at least sometimes I wouldn’t have to be made to feel like I was a bad kid.”

Alex’s story is more common than some people realize. One of the greatest gifts we can give children is to have a face-saving way to make a mistake, repair, and get back on track. This post shares some ways to parent kids through mistakes using appropriate guilt rather than shame.

Shame says, “You are a bad person.” It is a character assassination and is all about hiding and rejection. Shame is an isolating emotion and does little repair a hurt. Guilt, on the other hand, is pro-social and rooted in care for others: “I took my sibling’s toy and now they are crying. I feel guilt for the pain I caused.” Guilt inspires us to turn toward another, make an amends, and get back on track in connection.

Why Discipline?

Next, let’s look at how this plays out in parenting. What is the point of discipline? Discipline is to teach – not to vent your anger as a parent, not to inspire the child to feel shame, or worst, to humiliate them. Let’s look at the same scenario two ways: one using shame and one using guilt with positive regard for the child.

“You broke the lamp? You rotten kid. How many times do I have to tell you

not to play ball in the house? You always screw up, sooner or later.” See how this puts the child down from one of the two most influential people in the child’s life – a parent. It sends a message, “You’re no good” and leaves the child with no face-saving way to escape the overwhelming shame and fear that they experience from being talked to this way. As a longtime teacher, I have never seen anyone learn anything when they are scared. This approach not only prevents any learning, but it changes the way the child sees the parent (later to translate to our adult attachment figure – our partner, and possibly authority figures at work) as someone to avoid accountability with, and they may solve this problem going forward by lying, rage, or other “exit ramp” responses. Contrast this with guilt paired with positive regard.

A Great Repair

“You broke the lamp? Come sit next to me and tell me what happened. You remember that we’ve talked about only playing ball outside because something could be broken in the house, but you did it anyway? Yeh, you really understand that now, I can see it in your face. You get it. I want you to apologize.” We then talk about an age-appropriate consequence, and then the last part is expressing positive regard that signals we are back on track: “I sense that you get it now in a way you didn’t before, and that you are sorry about the lamp. While what you did was not OK, who you are is always OK with me. Let’s clean this up together and get back to getting ready for bed.”

In the guilt with positive regard approach, the child can appropriately feel guilt for their action, acknowledge the pain they caused, make an apology, and feel good about having been facilitated to move through this with dignity and re-connection.

Consider how you address mistakes with your children. Their future partners (s) and co-workers may thank you from afar.