Apologizing/Making Amends

I often hear from couples how one partner shares their pain over something the other partner did or didn’t do, and how poorly their repairs go, leaving both feeling unsatisfied about their efforts to re-connect. I also hear from frustrated partners who are confused because their effort at apologizing fell flat. This post addresses some general guidelines for making an apology or amends.

Listen

The first part of repairing a rupture is to listen. Listen to the effects that your behavior had on your partner. This is very different from saying, “I’m sorry,” - for example, “I’m sorry I spent money without informing you after we agreed we would discuss it first.” Instead, this is really more of an acknowledgment of the behavior and, while helpful, is not the apology in its entirety. Listen to your partner tell you what your behavior did to:

·       their trust in you

·       signal how important, or unimportant, they are to you

·       increase their sense of being alone rather than in a partnership relationship

·       their emotions, toward you and for themselves, about the rupture

Empathize

Empathize with their pain and validate it: “It makes sense that you would feel betrayed by my hiding the purchase.” You may not agree with all of what your partner is telling you and now is not the time to dispute facts or explain why you did what you did. Explaining is a common misstep I see made in attempts to apologize, and it often lands as, “Let me explain myself and, therefore, why your feelings about the issue are invalid.” It may not be what you are trying to send, but notice how explanations are received in these moments and how they do not advance the ball toward the goal of repair and re-connection.

At the end of reflecting what you heard, ask your partner if you they perceive that you understand – there may be more. At that point, ask for forgiveness. This would be a good time to share your intentions that may be different from how they were experienced by your partner. For instance, “While my intention was to be helpful by cleaning the house, I see how some of that got ‘un-done’ by my breaking the vase in the process.”

What Not To Do

One of the least productive responses to your partners expression of their pain is, “I’m sorry if you feel that way.” This acknowledges nothing about your partner’s distress and avoids any accountability for any part of that distress. If you say this, you may want to consider removing it from your communications.

A note for the person asking for an apology: We sometimes may think that we are telling our partner about our emotions, but we’re really blaming and complaining. Notice if you start sentences with, “I feel…” and then go on to make an accusation or complaint. If so, try saying, “I feel [an emotion, such as sad, angry, afraid, confused, etc.].”

If the rupture is about a pattern of behavior, there are two parts to a good amends: listening to the effect the behavior has on the offended partner, and changing the behavior. Some people do one without the other and then wonder why the issue continues to linger. Changing the behavior may take some professional assistance to help with what unconscious drives may be motivating the hurtful pattern.

Repairs can be hard. Sometimes this stems from childhood and never being given a face-saving way to repair a mistake. Instead, overwhelming punishment and shame may have been used, giving the child incentive to be deceptive and/or avoid accountability. As adults, these people hear, “I’m in trouble” when their partner says, “Can we talk about [e.g. spending money]?” and struggle with doing anything other than an adult version of the responses they did as a child. If this resonated with you, it may be helpful to meet with a professional counselor to help replace the old coping mechanisms with more emotionally mature ways of re-connecting with your partner after a rupture.