Why Are We Having a Hard Time Finding a Couples Counselor to Work with Us?

Keri and Bart have been married for 13 years and have a son and a daughter. Bart has had a relationship with alcohol for as long as Keri has known him, but over the years, his intake has increased to the point that he drinks excessively about four

nights a week and only slightly less most other nights. He’s not emotionally present, and often not physically present, instead in his workshop for the evening as soon as dinner is over, leaving Keri to help their kids with homework and act as a single parent much of the time. In the last 18 months, Keri has become more vocal about her concerns over Bart’s alcohol abuse and, in response, he has increased his efforts to hide it rather than address it. Of late, when she brings it up, he attempts to deflect, pointing out how she consumed alcohol at their friend’s birthday party last weekend, or how she has all but stopped having sex with him – anything to get the focus off of his alcohol abuse.

Several months ago, Keri started sharing her loneliness and distress with a male co-worker and it developed into an emotional affair. About three months ago, they crossed the boundary from emotional affair to sexual affair, and Keri feels torn between keeping her family intact, yet at the same time says to herself, “If I’m doing everything at home, why is Bart here? I found someone who treats me better.”

Things have come to a head between Keri and Bart and they decide to seek counseling. They call around, get referrals from friends, and talk to several counselors. The response they get over and over is some version of, “Couples counseling is contra-indicated when one person is having an ongoing affair,” and/or, “As long as one partner is in active addiction, we don’t offer couples counseling but we can refer you to substance abuse treatment.” Where does this leave Bart and Keri, and why are they being told this?

In all partnership relationships, we may expect to experience conflict over issues such as: money, sex, division of labor, parenting styles, in-laws, geography, spirituality, and many other topics. However, there are a few issues that constitute what some therapists refer to as “attachment injuries,” which are not on the same playing level as other couples issues. These include:

·       domestic violence/controlling behaviors

·       ongoing affairs

·       compulsions – chemical or behavioral

These are different because they present a direct threat to the foundation of the relationship and, left untreated, predict very poor outcomes. A lot of research suggests that they must be dealt with before any other issues are addressed because they present such a high threat and block progress on other relationship issues.

In the instance of an ongoing affair, a counselor may ask if the partner having the affair is willing to set it aside with no contact for a period of time while counseling is taking place so they can focus on the marriage with professional help. At the end of that time, the couple can decide which direction to take. A risk involved in this is that the partner will not refrain from the affair, which will likely sabotage couples counseling. Talking honesty and transparently with the counselor gives them the information to apply appropriate interventions.

In the instance of compulsions or substance use disorder, is the partner willing to be in treatment for that while in couples counseling? If so, a couples counselor may be more able to help in ways that have a higher probability of a positive outcome.

In the instance of domestic violence in which the perpetrator doesn’t acknowledge the abuse or is unwilling to receive treatment for it, it may not be safe for the abused partner to stay, and they may need to face some difficult decisions that could be better suited for individual therapy where a safety plan can be made.

The biggest complaint couples counselors have, in survey after survey over decades, is that couples wait too long before seeking counseling. If your relationship is in trouble, reach out here to set up a consultation to learn more about what resources are available.