Facing the Death of a Parent

In the natural order of things, our parents die before us – not always the case, but mostly. In fact, by the time we reach the age of 62, about 75% of us will have lost both parents. Grief isn’t something we, as a society, spend much time talking about, and the loss of a parent can be a unique and powerful loss that shakes us to the core. I want to use this article as an opportunity to normalize so many of the struggles I often work with when someone’s parent dies.

When a parent dies, I sometimes hear people talk about how they feel as though they have lost their “safety net” or “cover,” even if the parent has long been in a powerless position, or even needing to be taken care of later in life. We spent the earliest parts of our existence looking to these adults for protection, nurturance, and guidance. Parents usually serve as a stabilizing presence. As we and parents age, we don’t need the same level of care that we did as children, but the relationship transitions into a more mature, yet still caring, relationship. At some point, we intellectually understand that the parent isn’t providing cover for us anymore, but when that parent dies, our emotional side starts to take in what the intellectual side already knew, and that can be overwhelming.

It is not uncommon to meet with people who temporarily view their parent who died on more of a pedestal, sometimes because they can’t integrate their guilt for their anger toward the parent for legitimate short-comings or mistakes the parent made. For some people whose parents were abusive, the death of that parent can leave a lot of unfinished emotional business and very complicated, even conflicted emotions. In both cases, a therapist can help with moving conflicted feelings that cause suffering into healthy mixed feelings. Avoiding resolving the internal emotional issues around such a significant and complicated loss sometimes results in them playing out externally in a variety of destructive behaviors or actions.

The death of a parent can put our own mortality right in our face, and it is not uncommon for that to make us irritable, impatient, and have less capacity for the otherwise typical demands of day-to-day life. For those going through this for the first time, it can be really confusing. We may find ourselves asking, “Why am I so tired all the time? Why was I so short-tempered with that person? Why does everything feel so much harder than it used to?” Talking with a therapist can help with the existential elements of grief.

While painful, it can also be a good time to ask yourself what the important things are that you want to do before your time is up. Who are the people you want to spend more time with? Are there people you owe an amends to? What are the risks you haven’t taken that you might regret not taking when you take stock at the end of your own life? Living a life of meaning and purpose is the best way I know to cope with these existential concerns, and talking with a professional to sort through these thoughts can facilitate a lot of clarity.

I occasionally see families grieving the matriarch or patriarch with such heightened distress that they turn on each other, taking in each other’s words with hyper-sensitivity and assuming the other’s intentions are not in the family’s best interest. If this resonates with you, consider having grace for the person and knowing that there are no graded papers for how one grieves. We do the best we can and often our mourning gets expressed in the wrong direction or unhelpful ways. If this leads to a division or the issue persists, it may be constructive to work with a grief counselor to provide some relief and mending.

If you aren’t getting the support that you need in your grief, seek someone who will provide it. Grief is an area I specialize in. It is an honor to me to companion those grieving and help you navigate your way through it. Contact me for a consultation to learn more about how counseling can help.