Dealing with Betrayal

All of us, at one time or another, have experienced betrayals in our lives – big ones, small ones, by friends, family, partners, employers, neighbors, and others. How do you feel when that happens? For it to be a betrayal, there had to be some level of trust. What do you say to yourself that someone you trusted betrayed you? How important are you to them? Is this the latest in a series of betrayals? If so, what do you say to yourself about continuing to trust after having been betrayed, only for it to happen again? Finally, what if the person who betrayed you is dead?

When you have been wronged, can you let yourself feel your emotions, or do you avoid them with any number of defense mechanisms? It is understandable to feel hurt, sad, angry, confused, and other emotions in response to a betrayal. Can you really feel the emotions in your body, notice the waves of emotion move through you? If you get stuck, or avoid them altogether, don’t be surprised if the betrayal never feels resolved internally, even if the other party has made restitution. You may find yourself ruminating over what happened. Struggling with experiencing emotions fully is a very common reason people come to therapy, and talking with a professional counselor can really help.

I am often asked, “Do I have to express my feelings to the person who betrayed me?” The short answer is no. In some instances, the person who offended may not be alive. If expressing your emotions was necessary, that could mean it is a life sentence for you. However, this is not the case. Your feelings are for you, rather than the person who betrayed you. That said, if you want to and the other party is willing to hear about the effect their actions had on you, it can be very healing to share your feelings and what you say to yourself about yourself, the other person, and/or the relationship in the context of being wronged. It doesn’t necessarily mean that it is what you think and feel all the time, but in the darkest, loneliest moments of your pain.

Some betrayals are committed by people you no longer want in your life, while others are committed by someone you deeply love and are maybe even share you home and life with. In the latter, where do you begin with repairing a deep rupture of betrayal that constitutes what in the therapy world is sometimes referred to as an “attachment injury?”

A good amends has two parts: listening to the effects and emotions resulting from the betrayal and apologizing for pain and suffering it caused, and committing to changing the behavior going forward. If the latter doesn’t happen, what does that signal to you? At what point is it your responsibility to protect yourself and your emotions? I sometimes meet people who confuse forgiveness to mean that they must continually accept being mistreated – not so. If someone demonstrates a pattern of betrayal, are you willing to implement boundaries to self-protect? If it comes down to a showdown between you and someone who mistreats you repeatedly, are you willing to betray yourself? What will that do to the relationship you have with yourself? These are questions you may expect to explore in therapy if you find yourself returning over and over to someone who continues to hurt you and you want to hold healthy boundaries but struggle to do so.

For help with ending a cycle of subjecting yourself to ongoing betrayal, or moving through emotions that are blocking you from freeing yourself of a betrayal, use the Contact Me option to schedule a consultation for therapy.